My Return To Meditation

Photo by Lars P.

In 2003, I stopped meditating.  I stopped my psychic work, and I stopped my spiritual growth – I stopped everything.

Many people asked me why, and to this date, I don’t have a very accurate answer, but it was a combination of a few things.

So Why Did I Stop?

I was careless with my skills – I didn’t protect myself and as a result I tended to suffer the results of unprotected energetic work.  Emotional upheavals, mental cloudiness and physical tension.

Also, I tended to be a bit of a show off, see I was actually really good with my psychic readings, and my spiritual growth had been phenomenal – and people could see that.  I wasn’t suffering from hubris, but I guess I enjoyed the attention and felt like a bit of a celebrity – and often I would embellish and bite of more than I could chew.

I had just gone down the path of taking a few personal development courses, and I had just been exposed to the possibility of financial freedom, and so, starry eyed with wanting to be financially rich, my attention turned there.

I’d stopped training with my mentor – I’m not sure if that was something he initiated or I just got too preoccupied to continue.

I do think that it is a combination of all of these things that stopped me meditating, but most importantly, I think it was because of my lack of maturity.  I was 26 at the time – I wouldn’t say I was immature – I had wisdom, but I had no idea what to do with it.  I had skill, but I used it carelessly.  All in all, I lacked the experience that gives one the maturity.  I didn’t know how to deal with all the skill, wisdom and insight that I had acquired.

The interesting thing is, it was because of my meditation that I had achieved so much.  My health was amazing, I never felt better, or had been in better shape!  My insights and my clarity lead me to a brilliant job that I had previously given up on.  I had a high standing within the community because the events I ran and the results I achieved.  I had been warned off bad relationships and found wife due to the connection I had with my spirit guides.

Life was pretty good!

However, I got ahead of myself, wore myself out, and turned my attention elsewhere.

In 2004 I got married, and my wife Shreeti was a fairly ritualistic person due to her upbringing – and while I’m not ritualistic due to my upbringing, we did have a common belief in the esoteric and the mystical – however she didn’t believe that I was worth listening to – as people who had spiritual and intuitive knowledge, according to Shreeti, were the priests of the Hindu Dharma who had been formally trained – and I wasn’t a priest.  For me I guess that was the icing on the cake – and that was that for me, and there it ended.

I never thought about it again.

Until 2009.

So What Bought Me Back?

My pursuit in personal development had lead me to learning about Neuro Linguistic Programming – or NLP as it is most commonly called.  In a nutshell, it’s a technology that deals with human behaviour and the development of excellence.  I had formally started learning NLP in November 2008, and in May 2009 I was doing the next instalment of my training.

I remember one evening in my training the instructors decided to have a conversation with us about the deeper origins of NLP, and the conversation ended up moving to spirituality, intuition and psychic skills, and then the conversation of high magic.  Everything from astrology, the tarot, the fundamental laws of the universe, healing, religion, shamanism, to the power of the mind to alter the very fabric of reality was discussed.

I was blown away by this.  The conversation not only seemed familiar to me, but it was natural to me.  I knew where this conversation was coming from, and yet I learnt so much from it.

And then it happened.

They instructors decided to demonstrate one of the principles, and I volunteered as the subject.

We were working with negative emotions, and I had a fair bit of self-doubt that I was having problems shaking.

Let me put this in context: I was in a position where my businesses weren’t working out, I had a baby due in a couple of months and cashflow was starting to become an issue.  At this point in my life, my confidence was at an all low, and I was questioning myself any my abilities.

I don’t know how, but in the space of 20 seconds, they managed to erase my self-doubt… all of it… to such a point that I was moved to tears… and that happens rarely!

I think more importantly, it showed me that everything that I had done, wasn’t wasted.  I hadn’t really walked away from my esoteric studies, psychic development or spiritual growth.  I just thought I did, because I had stopped consciously meditating (what an oxymoron!).

What I had done was given myself an opportunity to mature before proceeding to learn more, and strengthen my own skills and abilities.

Since 2009, I’ve had an a steadily increasing desire to return to my meditation and study, and this has manifested in a number of ways eg I bought a new set of tarot cards, starting reading again, I started a spiritual website, and I’ve even applied to join study groups – and I’ve taken an active step to start meditating on a more regular basis.

Except this time, the meditation is actually more difficult than before.

It’s Not Easier Second Time Around

Here’s the main problem – my energy is low, and as a result, my meditations aren’t peaceful, I’m falling asleep too regularly during meditations and I feel I’ve hit a wall.

This in itself is a bit of a worry, because while I don’t give up easily – I know that I don’t want to give up at all.

I’ve been working on my energy levels, I’ve seen a naturopath who assessed me, told me that I have high levels of stress and that my adrenals could be burning out.

So I was taking supplements, although I’ve stopped for a while since I’ve been to India, and I should look to supplementing myself again, but I know that exercise and diet also play a big role here.

It’s been almost 9 years since I stopped meditating, and my body is not as fit as it was before, so I need to be more conscious about what I eat and be conscientious about exercising regularly.

I didn’t expect this to be easy, but I didn’t realise exactly the challenges involved either – so I’ve made plans this year to experiment with a number of aspects, and to document these experiments too, and this follows my publishing schedule for 2012.

A part of this is to develop a meditation routine, and as per my 2012 New Year tarot reading, I need to be the master of my domain, and exercise discipline, so with every meditation I do, I’ll be journaling my experience.


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